After all these weeks of absense, what can one say? I got caught in a film set with Russel Crowe? Or I had to meet brangelina in Venice - or maybe I was in Santa Barbara trying Meryl Streeps favorite Croissants.
I could tell you anything - and I am sure you can imagine I was busy - and that in combination with traveling with the kids - was alot of work. One thing I did notice in being gone - When you take a break from your daily life and all the things you have in your home and all the commintments you need to somehow follow up on, there is something truley beautiful in taking the family into a different setting with less of everything.
A selection of toys made the boys go out and venture the world. A selection of books made me focus on what I really wanted to read. A guitar turned my girls into songwriters and best buddies after sharing a room. We had a splendid time just being ourselves. One must stress, that there was no computer or other electical devices around.
Being a close family already, on our holidays we just pushed that little bit more together, that made it perfect. Spending time together cooking, reading or just playing a game with no pressure from the outside - this puts your life back into perspective. Now being back home, the kids are relaxed and actually NO - they are not running to the WII or the computer to log on to facebook. We have landed and have slowly unpacked our things and are now starting to talk about little things such as " remember when we climbed that mountain and there was a monk up there talking to a tree?" Yes, we are all connected and recharged. I can only recommend it to anyone. If it is possible, book a house for 4 to 6 weeks and take your life to a different place, climate and culture. Believe me, you see much clearer afterwards.
I promise to write more in the next days.
May 31, 2010
March 24, 2010
It is really that simple!
I was just out at a playground. I was just thinking after seeing all these parents and the way they treat their kids. That is in public. I am amazed. Here are my thoughts about this.
Do you remember that first baby growing in you and you were determined to do everything right from the start. Trying to intellectually stimulate them with music is only the beginning of endless ideas on how to be the super parent with the super kid.
I remember it very clear. But after four kids I have learned a lesson - even more than one.
These are just suggestions. And I am aware of the fact that some points are hard to adapt to, but one thing is for sure if you want a less controlled environment where the whole family feels safe and free then obviously that would lead to better relationships.
Have you ever counted how many times a day you say the word NO? It is an instinct. A child feels controlled and you feel stressed. Just let go. Try and avoid NO and work around it to make it sound more positive "That sounds like a great idea, let`s keep that in mind".
When you get angry, it is mostly because you are only seeing one side - your side. Kids have a completely different view of the situation and if you try to understand that view, you certainly will not be angry anymore. You will be more motivated to make her feel better.
Sometimes giving a hug instead of scolding or other controlling methods, makes the world of difference.
The truth is, your child will most of the time not listen exactly what you say but be very much aware in what you do. So, actions count more. A sibling watching you comfort another sibling will learn from that situation.
One word that often does not go with the word child is Respect. I am shocked to see how little respect kids get because they are kids.
One example. A mother is taking a nap on the sofa. Her teenage son turns up his music. The mother is annoyed and bursts into her son`s room (without respectfully knocking) and pulls the plug and shouts "If you ever turn that music up as loud again, I will take your stereo and keep it for a month.
Now, try and imagine the same situation with her husband listening to music in the other room while she is resting. Would she shout at him like that? Most certainly not.
So, why is it that the visitor can break a glas and if the child does it, we hold a long monolog on what she has done wrong and how awful you find this, cause it was your favorit cup. The visitor will hear nothing of this - instead we will try to not make him feel awkward. ........ ....... strange world.
We tend to try and over educate our kids. My advice - get out of the way cause kids learn naturally, without our doing. Stop trying to force a kid to learn what only you think he needs to learn. Instead keep encouraging to explore, read and find out things. Parents should get excited about things, be passionate cause remember C.G. Jung said "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see weather it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
So, you go out there and find your passion.
Now, just relax......I am a relaxed parent and still feel time rushing past too fast. You know when you talk to older people where their kids are out of the house. You can divide these older folks in 2 groups. Some will say," isn`t is great to have back that freedom when they finally grow up" - and the others will just say " enjoy your kids". I am kind of in the favor for enjoying my kids NOW. The other group has rushed through bringing up their kids and have maybe never been "touched" by this great being.
But one thing is for sure, you will never forget those happy moments when you said yes, when you let your child play and develop at their own pace, when you stopped controlling and started enjoying with love.
Think about it.
Do you remember that first baby growing in you and you were determined to do everything right from the start. Trying to intellectually stimulate them with music is only the beginning of endless ideas on how to be the super parent with the super kid.
I remember it very clear. But after four kids I have learned a lesson - even more than one.
These are just suggestions. And I am aware of the fact that some points are hard to adapt to, but one thing is for sure if you want a less controlled environment where the whole family feels safe and free then obviously that would lead to better relationships.
Have you ever counted how many times a day you say the word NO? It is an instinct. A child feels controlled and you feel stressed. Just let go. Try and avoid NO and work around it to make it sound more positive "That sounds like a great idea, let`s keep that in mind".
When you get angry, it is mostly because you are only seeing one side - your side. Kids have a completely different view of the situation and if you try to understand that view, you certainly will not be angry anymore. You will be more motivated to make her feel better.
Sometimes giving a hug instead of scolding or other controlling methods, makes the world of difference.
The truth is, your child will most of the time not listen exactly what you say but be very much aware in what you do. So, actions count more. A sibling watching you comfort another sibling will learn from that situation.
One word that often does not go with the word child is Respect. I am shocked to see how little respect kids get because they are kids.
One example. A mother is taking a nap on the sofa. Her teenage son turns up his music. The mother is annoyed and bursts into her son`s room (without respectfully knocking) and pulls the plug and shouts "If you ever turn that music up as loud again, I will take your stereo and keep it for a month.
Now, try and imagine the same situation with her husband listening to music in the other room while she is resting. Would she shout at him like that? Most certainly not.
So, why is it that the visitor can break a glas and if the child does it, we hold a long monolog on what she has done wrong and how awful you find this, cause it was your favorit cup. The visitor will hear nothing of this - instead we will try to not make him feel awkward. ........ ....... strange world.
We tend to try and over educate our kids. My advice - get out of the way cause kids learn naturally, without our doing. Stop trying to force a kid to learn what only you think he needs to learn. Instead keep encouraging to explore, read and find out things. Parents should get excited about things, be passionate cause remember C.G. Jung said "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see weather it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
So, you go out there and find your passion.
Now, just relax......I am a relaxed parent and still feel time rushing past too fast. You know when you talk to older people where their kids are out of the house. You can divide these older folks in 2 groups. Some will say," isn`t is great to have back that freedom when they finally grow up" - and the others will just say " enjoy your kids". I am kind of in the favor for enjoying my kids NOW. The other group has rushed through bringing up their kids and have maybe never been "touched" by this great being.
But one thing is for sure, you will never forget those happy moments when you said yes, when you let your child play and develop at their own pace, when you stopped controlling and started enjoying with love.
Think about it.
March 07, 2010
New day - new chance
Good morning,
Sorry for not writing for ages, I was in Venice and N.Y. working on set.
last night I was at one of those party, where you need to show up and act surprised seeing all your friends, the ones you have not seen in ages. The moment when I turn around with my glas of wine, I can just hear them talking and snacking behind my back. They wonder where you got the dress, if you have partner problems, if your kids have ADS, or if the market still wants you.
Lately I have been trying to avoid these outings, these fake smiles or their false admiration. At dinner I made clear to my darling husband that we might have to go, cause of the kids. This is our code to make clear to eachother that you cannot take it anymore.
After leaving the party, we drove through Rom and had a lovely long walk through the old city. We ended up in an espressobar talking to locals. Again I seem familiar to them.......but before they found out who I was, they gave my that nice honest feeling, I need so much.
We went back to the hotel.
Today will be a familyday where I am sure we will see many out spending time with eachother. We can just dive in with the crouwd and just be a normal family, I hope.
Sofie B**
Sorry for not writing for ages, I was in Venice and N.Y. working on set.
last night I was at one of those party, where you need to show up and act surprised seeing all your friends, the ones you have not seen in ages. The moment when I turn around with my glas of wine, I can just hear them talking and snacking behind my back. They wonder where you got the dress, if you have partner problems, if your kids have ADS, or if the market still wants you.
Lately I have been trying to avoid these outings, these fake smiles or their false admiration. At dinner I made clear to my darling husband that we might have to go, cause of the kids. This is our code to make clear to eachother that you cannot take it anymore.
After leaving the party, we drove through Rom and had a lovely long walk through the old city. We ended up in an espressobar talking to locals. Again I seem familiar to them.......but before they found out who I was, they gave my that nice honest feeling, I need so much.
We went back to the hotel.
Today will be a familyday where I am sure we will see many out spending time with eachother. We can just dive in with the crouwd and just be a normal family, I hope.
Sofie B**
February 03, 2010
just slow down and you will see..........
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~ Lao Tzu
Consider the above quote from Lao Tzu, (perhaps mythical) father of Taoism: how can it be true?
Is it possible to never hurry, but to get everything done?
It seems contradictory to our modern world, where everything is a rush, where we try to cram as much into every minute of the day as possible, where if we are not busy, we feel unproductive and lazy.
In fact, often we compete by trying to show how busy we are. I have a thousand projects to do! Oh yeah? I have 10,000! The winner is the person who has the most insane schedule, who rushes from one thing to the next with the energy of a hummingbird, because obviously that means he’s the most successful and important.
Right?
Maybe not. Maybe we’re playing the wrong game — we’ve been conditioned to believe that busier is better, but actually the speed of doing is not as important as what we focus on doing.
Maybe we’re going at the wrong speed. Maybe if we are constantly rushing, we will miss out on life itself. Let’s let go of the obsession with speed, and instead slow down, stop rushing, and enjoy life.
And still get everything done.
Let’s look at how.
A Change of Mindset
The most important step is a realization that life is better when you move at a slower, more relaxed pace, instead of hurrying and rushing and trying to cram too much into every day. Instead, get the most out of every moment.
Is a book better if you speed read it, or if you take your time and get lost in it?
Is a song better if you skim through it, or if you take the time to really listen?
Is food better if you cram it down your throat, or if you savor every bite and really appreciate the flavor?
Is your work better if you’re trying to do 10 things at once, or if you really pour yourself into one important task?
Is your time spent with a friend or loved one better if you have a rushed meeting interrupted by your emails and text messages, or if you can relax and really focus on the person?
Life as a whole is better if you go slowly, and take the time to savor it, appreciate every moment. That’s the simplest reason to slow down.
And so, you’ll need to change your mindset (if you’ve been stuck in a rushed mindset until now). To do this, make the simple admission that life is better when savored, that work is better with focus. Then make the commitment to give that a try, to take some of the steps below.
But I Can’t Change!
There will be some among you who will admit that it would be nice to slow down, but you just can’t do it … your job won’t allow it, or you’ll lose income if you don’t do as many projects, or living in the city makes it too difficult to go slowly. It’s a nice ideal if you’re living on a tropical island, or out in the country, or if you have a job that allows control of your schedule … but it’s not realistic for your life.
I say "sorry, but not true".
Take responsibility for your life. If your job forces you to rush, take control of it. Make changes in what you do, in how you work. Work with your boss to make changes if necessary. And if really necessary, you can eventually change jobs. You are responsible for your life.
If you live in a city where everyone rushes, realize that you don’t have to be like everyone else. You can be different. You can walk instead of driving in rush hour traffic. You can have fewer meetings. You can work on fewer but more important things. You can be on your iPhone or Blackberry less, and be disconnected sometimes. Your environment doesn’t control your life — you do.
I’m not going to tell you how to take responsibility for your life, but once you make the decision, the how will become apparent over time.
Tips for a Slower-Paced Life
I can’t give you a step-by-step guide to moving slower, but here are some things to consider and perhaps adopt, if they work for your life. Some things might require you to change some major things, but they can be done over time.
1. Do less. Cut back on your projects, on your task list, on how much you try to do each day. Focus not on quantity but quality. Pick 2-3 important things — or even just one important thing — and work on those first. Save smaller, routine tasks for later in the day, but give yourself time to focus.
2. Have fewer meetings. Meetings are usually a big waste of time. And they eat into your day, forcing you to squeeze the things you really need to do into small windows, and making you rush. Try to have blocks of time with no interruptions, so you don’t have to rush from one meeting to another.
3. Practice disconnecting. Have times when you turn off your devices and your email notifications and whatnot. Time with no phone calls, when you’re just creating, or when you’re just spending time with someone, or just reading a book, or just taking a walk, or just eating mindfully. You can even disconnect for (gasp!) an entire day, and you won’t be hurt. I promise.
4. Give yourself time to get ready and get there. If you’re constantly rushing to appointments or other places you have to be, it’s because you don’t allot enough time in your schedule for preparing and for traveling. Pad your schedule to allow time for this stuff. If you think it only takes you 10 minutes to get ready for work or a date, perhaps give yourself 30-45 minutes so you don’t have to shave in a rush or put on makeup in the car. If you think you can get there in 10 minutes, perhaps give yourself 2-3 times that amount so you can go at a leisurely pace and maybe even get there early.
5. Practice being comfortable with sitting, doing nothing. One thing I’ve noticed is that when people have to wait, they become impatient or uncomfortable. They want their mobile device or at least a magazine, because standing and waiting is either a waste of time or something they’re not used to doing without feeling self-conscious. Instead, try just sitting there, looking around, soaking in your surroundings. Try standing in line and just watching and listening to people around you. It takes practice, but after awhile, you’ll do it with a smile.
6. Realize that if it doesn’t get done, that’s OK. There’s always tomorrow. And yes, I know that’s a frustrating attitude for some of you who don’t like laziness or procrastination or living without firm deadlines, but it’s also reality. The world likely won’t end if you don’t get that task done today. Your boss might get mad, but the company won’t collapse and the life will inevitably go on. And the things that need to get done will.
7. Start to eliminate the unnecessary. When you do the important things with focus, without rush, there will be things that get pushed back, that don’t get done. And you need to ask yourself: how necessary are these things? What would happen if I stopped doing them? How can I eliminate them, delegate them, automate them?
8. Practice mindfulness. Simply learn to live in the present, rather than thinking so much about the future or the past. When you eat, fully appreciate your food. When you’re with someone, be with them fully. When you’re walking, appreciate your surroundings, no matter where you are.
9. Slowly eliminate commitments. We’re overcommitted, which is why we’re rushing around so much. I don’t just mean with work — projects and meetings and the like. Parents have tons of things to do with and for their kids, and we overcommit our kids as well. Many of us have busy social lives, or civic commitments, or are coaching or playing on sports teams. We have classes and groups and hobbies. But in trying to cram so much into our lives, we’re actually deteriorating the quality of those lives. Slowly eliminate commitments — pick 4-5 essential ones, and realize that the rest, while nice or important, just don’t fit right now. Politely inform people, over time, that you don’t have time to stick to those commitments.
Try these things out. Life is better when unrushed. And given the fleeting nature of this life, why waste even a moment by rushing through it?
Remember the quote above: if nature can get everything done without rushing, so can you.
November 27, 2009
What makes you happy?
Well, put it this way. The famous ones do rule quite a bit of our lifes. You put on the computer and then "bam" there is the latest news on Brangelina for instance.......It just actually gets thrown in your face. But at the end of the day they are people, too. And I am trying to find out - what makes them happy? - It cannot be money, as they seem to have enough - so lets work together and help eachother in our journey of "How to live a happy life as a celebrity".
What makes you happy? Please post me your things or The thing that makes you happy.
thanks,
Sophie
November 20, 2009
Let them play!
Recently a friend of mine came to visit beautiful west cork from London
“He is learning and a teacher will only spoil his motivation” was my reply.
This kind of approach is new to her as parents normally get scared of missing the right time to teach a child. The truth is a teacher is not the same as his natural way of trying to master this skill.
We parents and teacher get nervous and tremendously concerned when kids get to play as much as they want, cause time is precious and when on earth are they going to learn if they play all day?
Why do we think play is a waste of time? If we watch puppies or kittens we see that they are born with a drive and ability to just……. play.
My journey as a mother has been testing my ability to trust. Let’s face it. Do we teach them how to crawl, walk or talk? The language is the hardest thing to learn and children do it all on their own without teacher-pupil atmosphere.
Most of the learning occurs in the youngest years – and that is when children play all day – that is if we let them.
We need to stop thinking that watching TV is creative because it simply is the opposite. It should infact not be part of a Childs life in the first 7 years at all. The TV issue is another Article on its own.
Kids need toys that encourage creativity. For instance, paper, paints, blocks, dolls, dress up, clay, sandbox, pots and pans, outside climbing activities also, common household items children may have access to when they want to imitate household related activitys such as cooking, cleaning, fixing and building with tools.
The best thing is to ignore designed toys that force specific results or that directs the outcome of the play, and that discourages the input of the Childs thought process e.g. colouring books, toys with press buttons that produce set results or dolls equipped with specific emotional actions and toys that imitate television or movie characters.
My experience as a mother of four children has taught me that I can trust, because children play and their best learning happens through playing. They are curious by nature. They want to know and figure out the world. Kids constantly challenge themselves and are driven to succeed. And this is a built in process called “play”.
I am even going to take it a step further, if kids got to play all their childhood they would be ready for the real life. They would have all the basic skills to handle things.
Instead we get nervous and presume that we will be late if we don’t get started! With what? We mold them and make them do or learn things that are completely contrary to what they are cut out for. It is never too late to acquire knowledge but often it is dangerously too early and out of rhythm with the inner world of the child.
Kids know what is emotionally, intellectually and socially best for them.
Children who are allowed to play and direct their own path will study anything to get them where they want to go. All we have to do is trust!!!
My own kids go through all sorts of phases and playtime. In our house you can find Lego and blocks built all the way through 2 rooms – kitchen and living room. Days will pass and sometimes weeks are invested in these games. While doing this, they communicate act and observe the laws of the universe. Kids don’t really need much. Access to nature through a garden, park or yard combined with the permission to investigate in the kitchen cupboards. This may be difficult for some parents expecting everything tidy and neat but let them be and you will save money on therapy later.
For kids, life is play and play is learning. And by the way play is social. When a bunch of kids get together no matter what age, social skills are being learned as the play pals feelings and needs have to be taken into consideration. I know that every adult has this sense of providing the kids limits and discipline but the truth is these are the qualities of children’s play – because they form rules and are quite strict about them.
So where is our role in all this?
We are all kids in a way, too. We want have a part in this big adventure. However as parents we get no leading roles because true creative play needs no active encouragement or support. We have to take ourselves back and don’t have to play the entertainer for our kids. But that does not mean, we put them into all sorts of classes and fill their weekly calendar with activities. That is not the kind of “standing back” I mean.
We should see ourselves as the safety net of the trampoline. They can fall back on us if they need us. We need to encourage play by standing back without intervention or interruption.
Instead, we can give a child a sense of respect of her choices and actions. Respecting and letting them play is our role and exposing them to good ideas but not imposing.
Parents need to learn to be authentic and equal partners. Most of the time we evaluate, praise or show exaggerated enthusiasm. Kids are smart they can tell the difference.
That is why kids are great for one another because they are authentic. They don’t need to be the same age to play together and it works out best when kids choose their own playmates and not the parents.
If you are an authentic parent then you have went down that path and discovered this essential element of life called play. We are too serious and have drawn thick lines between play and daily life and also between play and study. Let’s trust our children because we can learn a lot from them. Maybe then our lost passion for life, play etc. will return.
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